Attachment Across the Lifespan

During childhood, we all develop certain styles…

…of how to relate, feel, and communicate with others.

Childhood, for some, was filled with love, affection, and a beautifully nurturing environment.

Honestly, most parents have the intention of creating that for their children. But the sad fact is, the perfect life is rarely a reality. The ways we were raised influence the ways we behave, as adults, parents… people.

Consider this, the great news of a winning raffle ticket is delivered to the winner. They have won a new car. Rather than respond with great joy and appreciation, they complain they will have to get insurance and pay for parking now that they have a car. This behavior is known as an aversion to happiness, and it’s a common reaction for people who have suffered abuse or seriously negative influences as a child.

Sadly, people who seek and find the negative in otherwise positive events…

…are only trying to make the situation feel normal. They are not used to feeling loved, understood, rewarded, or appreciated – so they inject negativity into the situation.

A child who was abused by a parent may have come to believe being abused was how love was shown. Unfortunately, their way of showing love can be an expression of the modeling they received, a repeating of a pain-filled cycle.

As times have changed, it has become more common for double-income households or single-parent homes. The difficult consequence of this trend is children raising themselves to a significant extent. The distance experienced between the child and the often absent parent frequently shows up in the ways the child, turned adult, relates to others later in life. They may become anxious at new relationships or when their children venture out in the world. Or they may be indifferent about relationships and not invest for fear of being abandoned.

When we are provided a safe, comforting, and nurturing environment…

We can explore our world and grow in confidence.

Just like we can be conditioned not to trust the security and permanence of relationships, we can be conditioned to trust them.

To re-condition ourselves, we need the opportunity to experience serious connections in ways that allow us to be vulnerable without being punished or hurt.

The accumulation of positive results from taking risks teaches us that healthy attachment is possible. We use time in session to explore the patterns in your life, your actions and reactions, and the origins of your beliefs, building confidence as we build your understanding of yourself.

The development of healthy attachments nurtures specific neuropathways that help us gain good understanding of the world and enhance our ability to manage our response to emotional challenges. The fact there are things that trigger intense emotions should surprise no one.

Of course, we have things we’re passionate about. Our responses are only an issue if we can’t control ourselves, we fly off the handle, and act in ways that are destructive to the relationship, circumstances, or our goals.

When we don’t have good experiences, models, or skills…

We struggle with developing healthy, trust-filled, and supportive interdependent relationships when we haven’t been taught what that all looks and feels like.

There were no high school or college classes that taught us how to interact with others. If our parents weren’t up to the task, we end up mishandling our role in the process.

We may find we have trouble connecting with others, experiencing shared vulnerability, allowing others to get close to us, or expressing our emotions without fear of being exploited and hurt.

Treating your struggles with a comprehensive approach…

…to helping you make sense of your experiences and finding a path toward healing.

We’ll take a comprehensive approach to understanding your mental states, emotional regulation skills, and attachment styles — one based in both neuroscience and psychotherapy.

In session, we explore your experiences from the past that have shaped your attachment and interaction skills and style. The exploration will include the models you observed in parental influences, teachers, and other authority figures, both good and bad.

Considering the influences, we can better understand the patterns as they reveal themselves in your behaviors and relationships. For example, people who experienced a caregiver who was critical frequently are critical of others. Their self-esteem suffered which causes them to assert their position by demeaning others whom they perceive as subordinates and a cycle is continued generation after generation.

Being completely informed using multiple approaches allows us to fully understand the interplay of the psychology and the brain function when it comes to the feelings of attachment. The comprehensive, full picture enhances the likelihood of success in the therapeutic process.

Letting go of the apron strings…

Let’s be honest, parents don’t bring you into the world, raise you, or teach you with the intention of you remaining at their side throughout life.

Parents actually hope their children strike out on their own, having been equipped with all the skills, knowledge, and ability to be successful. The ultimate sign of success for the parent is the child starting their own family and continuing the successful cycle.

The goal is to find yourself standing, confidently, on your own and leaning on others on those rare occasions when you are truly overwhelmed.

Think of how the walls of a house can stand on their own and come together at the peak of the roof. The weight is distributed and carried by all the walls, because they are set in a strong foundation.

We can help you let go of the apron strings by supporting you to be comfortable and trust that the security of loved ones is there when you need help.

You can’t be blamed for your childhood and the examples you had to follow.

You can, and probably should, take responsibility for the adult you’ve become and the future you create for yourself.

You can choose to own your part in the person you are and the path you choose to follow. To give yourself the best chance of making the best of life you want to fully understand yourself, your past, and the influence it has on your present and future.

I once had a client in their 60s comment that they finally were ready to grow up, once they had worked through this process.

If you’re ready to stand on your own and have your own voice, give us a call to get started: (630) 358-9821.