How much time do you spend preoccupied, planning, and strategizing about being engaged in your self-defeating behaviors or actions? Do you practice these self-defeating behaviors while trying to connect in the present moment, and wonder why you are so unhappy? Do your filters only allow you to look through a past that doesn’t exist any longer? Are your choices and relationships about reinforcing self-destructive behaviors and patterns? Do you constantly re-create old patterns in your relationships with the world, others, and yourself and then wonder why you always “feel like” a failure? (Remember, feelings aren’t facts; they are cues to tell us something important is going on and we need to get into our head, get grounded, and check it out.)

If you were willing to create a moment (just a single moment) where you committed to interrupt the pattern of being driven unhealthy impulses, where you contemplate not engaging in self-defeating behaviors, what would the present be like for you? Would you look at this moment as a new creation? Would you see yourself as someone who cared for and respected you? Would you be willing to look at your body without judgment or intent to bring harm to it? If you were willing to keep your eye on your goal of being healthy, creating calm and peace today, and think your way through the moment, do you think your self-destructive behaviors might lose their appeal?

What you see depends on what you’re looking for. Source Unknown
So with that, I’d like to ask you, are you managing your life? Or is some self-destructive automatic sequence driving it with you in the passenger’s seat screaming about feeling out of control? Now, that is not to say challenging negative behaviors and interrupting destructive patterns is easy or simple….indeed, it will fight back. Habits, especially old automatic ones, die slowly, and have the gusto of dry grasslands during the dry season when fires start.

My challenge to you is this: Today for a moment; own your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Clear your view towards being healthier, and then act as if you are running your life. Unchoose feeding the self-destructive and self-defeating thoughts, in this moment – they aren’t helpful to you. Those urges to choose to be unhealthy will lie to you; like a toddler telling you they aren’t tired, when in fact anyone within 5 miles can see they are indeed of a much-needed nap. They will pull on you, and wait for you to let your guard down.

Sitting through them, using those coping skills to SIT THROUGH the suck, and allowing you to fill time and your attention to focus on what you want to create – health, peace, contentment.  Yes, it will be tough, but five minutes of healthy focus and feeling the feeling and not being self-defeating can become 10 minutes, then over time, 30 minutes, then an hour and so on.  Train your body and mind to focus on the thing you want – health, peace, contentment.  Train so that your deep breath now starts the pathway to calmness and self-containment.  The feelings, they’ll pass.  If in this moment, you keep your eye on that goal of being healthy, and you are willing to say “NO” to your these unreasonable and impulsive urges, negative thoughts and unhealthy behaviors, and choose instead to make a decision in your own best interest, what do you think this moment could be like for you?

In the time of social media, having perspective about your truth is really important. This issue is really big, but let’s focus on one specific aspect – the use of a platform that can become an easy way to bully, distort, and spread ugliness exponentially. Rumors, gossip and the ‘telephone game’ are as old as humanity. Many people are keyboard warriors, because it’s easier to post anonymously, avoiding direct contact and immediate repercussions. We know anonymity created as a member of a crowd seems to embolden someone to add even more ugliness into the conversation. The depersonalization and jumping on the bandwagon with little chance of being held accountable seems to fuel the fire. We know that it can become so severe that kids have even moved schools, and the focus may shift, but the post remains as a reminder and reference. The truth is, the bully and their audience are seldom responsive to direct efforts to cease their behavior. Even “safe places” and “safe words” may send the wrong message – that the individual has no power to stop the behaviors of others. That isn’t necessarily true. Despite how it feels, what they can manage is how they chose to manage themselves in the situation.

First, it’s important to remember that rumors are just rumors and they fade when something more exciting comes along to get the attention of the crowd. The rumor starter tells a lot about themselves – generally that they are socially inappropriate, petty, and manipulative – and unfortunately, that person seldom is held accountable for their actions. We need to encourage our children to think about managing these individuals and situations and how not to take these words personally. The options available include getting off social media, choosing to disengage from the person, what it looks like to ignore it or the person themselves, calling the person out for their inappropriate behavior, or the famous “what is wrong with you?”. Help them by learning when directness is and is not an option, gaining insight into knowing where their boundary lies, and understanding that being targeted by inappropriate behavior is a sad but typical part of growing up.

Developmentally, kids are learning how to function in society and with other people. We are all behaving in ways that impact others. Deciding how to address conflicts may be uncomfortable, feel like more trouble, and may make things temporarily more difficult. But, when we help our kids learn that there are ways that they can get through this by being their own advocates, we help them learn that their personal power is within themselves. Bullies are cowards who need audiences. The words and actions taken by bullies are unacceptable behaviors and are not reflective of the target. Bullies look for people who will react to their inappropriate efforts. Encouraging kids to know when to talk about these issues and to develop a plan to address these situations may help a great deal. Kids generally prefer to avoid such conversations and inadvertently end up isolated and alone, feeling like it is the end of the world. It’s helpful to teach kids that seeking advice and support is not the same as tattling. If someone is behaving terribly to the point that there is the potential for bigger problems, then that person will have generated their own outcome – not the person who seeks support to stop the inappropriate behavior.

Another tool is to help kids understand the temporary nature of most things and the skills to get through these situations, which is often to disengage. One kid I know was wise and chose to stay out of the rumor mill involving him. When someone asked him if he knew what was being said about him, he responded, “Wow, I must be really interesting and important if there are whole discussions about me. Sounds like these knuckleheads have very little to do if their world involves talking about me.” In a similar situation, another kid responded, “but they are saying that I am xxxx”, which was a lie. I reminded the child that someone saying something doesn’t make it true. It’s best to give the person the stare, ask them what is wrong with them and shake your head. Once a bully realizes that you aren’t going to engage, they often move on. The kid stopped rewarding the rumors with the distress and upset that the bully wanted, the discussion died down quickly, and the bully moved on to another target despite the social media post remaining online.   Unfortunately, many of the rules to make the world “safe” aren’t going to necessarily work all the time. What each of us has inside of us is the ability to manage and decide how we want to handle our side of targeted inappropriate attention. At times, it may mean going to an advocate who will go with you to the next authority figure to resolve the situation. Someone targeted and bullied isn’t powerless. The range of resolution or ending it may not always be optimal or possible. However, giving our children the message that they don’t have to stand by helplessly and take it, but they can learn to advocate for themselves and develop an important life coping skill. What used to be handled in the school yard is now online for many kids, and this environment is bigger than they understand or are prepared to effectively manage. Talk to your kids and open the path to help them develop skills to think through these situations and generate solutions.

Someone who struggles with food or body image may need extra support to get through family gatherings, holiday meals and overall social activities. Below are some tips on how to support a loved one during family or food centric events.

1. Acknowledge that these holidays may be stressful

Sit down with the person and identify the stressors that they may experience in these situations. Listen to their concerns about what they may experience or have anxiety about in these situations. If the person is seeing a mental health professional, this is also a great time to encourage holding a session to discuss these concerns and develop coping strategies for these encounters.

2. Validate, acknowledge and listen

Listen to their concerns and make an attempt to understand their perspective. Holidays can often create stress for your loved one when eating and body image concerns are present. These types of events can cause familial conflict and stress for your loved one as well with other family members. Additionally, making time to check in with your own feelings and validating your own experience is important during holidays as well. Family and supporting people often experience the same amount of stress when supporting family as it is for the person who is directly struggling with these issues. Be aware of being compassionate towards your loved one as well as your own needs during this time.

3. Come up with a plan

Come up with a plan on how to get through each event. This may be having strategies on how to prepare for, manage through and decompress after an event. There may need to be a plan for how to communicate or how much is communicated to family about these struggles. Additionally, how to manage through food related activities as well as comments from others. Lastly, devise plans if there is a need for in-the-moment support or unforeseen stresses. This can be as simple as coming up with a timeline and sticking to it or having a neutral word to signal to use if the event is causing too much distress for the person in the moment.

4. Keep things structured as much as possible

Outside of these events, making sure that moderation, balance and variety is unkempt can help weather the impact of these celebrations. As much as possible, creating stability in between can help with easing anxieties and offer consistency that can help lessen the impact that these events can create.

5. Create a purpose for holiday events that do not center around food

Take time to identify with your loved one a different purpose for these celebrations that are not food centric. Some examples can be looking forward to spending time with family members or certain family activities during the celebration (i.e. building a snowman, family get-together games, etc). Remembering that the holidays can be fun for different reasons that do not include food can be an essential part of supporting a loved one through these events and serves as a reminder of what the true meaning behind such celebrations are for all.

The holiday season is often associated with joy, connection, and celebration, but for many people, it can also trigger anxiety—especially around social situations. Large gatherings, family dynamics, or the pressure to appear festive can feel overwhelming, but with a few mindful strategies, you can manage these feelings and enjoy the holidays with more peace.

1. Set Realistic Expectations

It’s easy to get caught up in the pressure of holiday perfection. From attending multiple events to pleasing everyone, this pressure can exacerbate anxiety. Give yourself permission to set realistic goals for social activities. You don’t have to attend every gathering or create a flawless experience. It’s okay to say “no” when necessary and focus on events that truly matter to you.

2. Plan Your Exit Strategy

If the idea of a long social event makes you anxious, create a plan that allows you to leave early if you need to. Let the host know you may need to slip out or take breaks. Having an exit strategy reduces feelings of being trapped, and simply knowing you have a way out can alleviate anxiety.

3. Take Breaks to Recharge

Holiday social events can be draining, especially if you’re naturally introverted or dealing with anxiety. Take moments to step outside, find a quiet room, or do breathing exercises to recharge. Even five minutes away from the crowd can help calm your nerves and give you the energy to re-engage.

4. Focus on What You Can Control

During holiday events, you might face difficult family dynamics, unexpected conversations, or awkward moments. Rather than trying to control the environment or other people’s behavior, focus on what you can manage—your reactions. Grounding techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness can help you stay calm and present, no matter what’s happening around you.

5. Bring a Supportive Friend or Family Member

If possible, attend events with a close friend or family member who understands your anxiety. Having a support system in the room can make a huge difference. They can act as a comforting presence and help redirect you if you start feeling overwhelmed.

6. Prepare Conversation Starters

One source of anxiety during social events is not knowing what to say. Prepare a few simple conversation starters to ease into interactions, like asking about someone’s holiday plans, favorite traditions, or thoughts on a recent movie or book. This can help break the ice and reduce awkwardness.

7. Practice Self-Care Before and After

Taking care of your mental health before and after social events is essential. Engage in activities that calm you before heading out, like meditation, exercise, or listening to music. After the event, allow yourself to unwind, process, and reflect in a way that supports your well-being.

8. Seek Professional Help, if Needed

If anxiety around social situations becomes overwhelming or interferes significantly with your life, it may be time to seek professional support. Speaking with a therapist can help you develop personalized coping strategies for managing holiday anxiety and beyond.

The holidays don’t have to be a time of stress. With these practical steps, you can approach social situations with more confidence, giving yourself the gift of peace this season.

Written by: Kristen Beeck, LPC

I woke up this morning to my alarm blaring from my phone. 7:00 am. I groaned, not wanting to get up. Five more minutes, I thought to myself. When I woke back up, it was 7:42. Oops, I overslept! If only my parents were here to keep me accountable. In what felt like just a few seconds, I jerked out of bed, threw on whatever clothes were within reach, grabbed my backpack, and dashed toward my first college class.

As I raced across campus, I couldn’t help but admire the view. The sun was warm and bright, the beautiful pink and purple tulips were still in bloom, and the leaves on the trees were just starting to change into autumn hues of brown and red. Just then, a brilliant blue jay caught my eye. It was perched on a low-hanging branch on the magnificent oak tree in the center of campus. It effortlessly skipped from one branch to the next, conquering each one like it was a level in a game. Suddenly, it soared into the sky, out of view, and ready to embark on its new journey. This sighting stayed with me throughout the rest of the day. Something about it seemed so familiar.

Later that night as I lay in bed, I realized that the blue jay and I had something in common. We’re both embarking on a journey, one we never experienced before. I left behind the comforts of what I once knew: my hometown, family, and the friends I made along the way; just like the bird soared from its tree that it seemed to know so fondly. Watching it fly so effortlessly made me realize that maybe this change, though unknown and challenging, could also be liberating.

I decided right then and there that the Blue Jay will be my college mascot. It symbolizes the jump I’ve taken into independence. Sure, I might stumble over my alarm clock or struggle with deadlines, but I know my parents equipped me with the tools and skills needed to succeed. They taught me to be resilient, persevere, and never take anything for granted. I will make them proud.

I grabbed my phone from my nightstand and texted my parents for the first time since they helped me move into this dorm a few days prior. “I just wanted to say how amazing you both are. Leaving home was hard, but you did an amazing job raising me. Seeing a blue jay today reminded me that you’ve always encouraged me to spread my wings. I’m excited about this new chapter in life and appreciate everything you’ve done. I love you both!” As I hit send, I felt a sense of comfort and radiance. I am ready to take on whatever college throws at me, and I will take it with freedom and grace, just like the blue jay.

#ModernMePsychology #Parenting #CollegeTransition #EmptyNest #GrowingUp

Written by: Nahrain Tavolacci, Psy.D.

While vacationing in northern Wisconsin, I found myself captivated by Loons with their chicks on their backs going for rides around the lake. I learned that the chicks become independent by 12 weeks of age. Thereafter, the parents hoot to communicate their desire to figure out one another’s location in an effort to maintain their loving connection to their chicks. I cannot imagine separating from my children that early.

My son left for college this year at 18 years of age and I remind myself every day since he left that I have done all I can at this point. My husband and I have raised a good human with a sound mind and kind heart. I have to trust that all things will work out for the highest and greatest good of humanity – an affirmation I chose to embrace and live by. The only control I have now is to remain the safe and loving support my son needs from me, when he needs me. While a loon hoots to their chicks, we humans do similar by texting or calling our children. Our effort is to communicate our love and support to our children as they navigate their environment with what we hope is pure confidence without losing their connection to us.

This stage in our development as parents causes many to reflect and question where the time has gone and whether or not we will survive the distance from our child. In the beginning, like loons, our children ride on our backs while we swim in our lakes. At some point, our children choose to swim or fly off to create a beautiful adult life for themselves.

While this transition can be full of mixed emotions, it welcomes the start of a new chapter for everyone involved, bringing adventure, pleasure, sorrow, pain, joy, and wisdom. This distance is partially responsible for the transformation in the self and our relationships over the lifespan of our attachments.

#ModernMePsychology #emptynesters #lifetransitions #parenting #mentalhealthmatters

Mental health is crucial for overall well-being, yet it often goes unnoticed in schools. As students navigate the complexities of academics, extracurricular activities, and social dynamics, the pressures they face can become overwhelming. To alleviate these pressures, both parents and students need to work together to promote mental wellness within the school environment.

The Rise of Mental Health Issues

In recent years, there has been a notable increase in mental health challenges among students. Issues such as anxiety, depression, and stress are becoming more common. Many students feel overwhelmed by the pressures of school, whether from academic expectations or social interactions. This constant pressure can lead to feelings of inadequacy and burnout, diminishing motivation and overall happiness.

The Role of Academic Pressures

Academic pressures significantly contribute to mental health challenges. The competition for high grades, college placements, and scholarships creates an environment where students feel compelled to strive for perfection. This unyielding pursuit often leads to heightened anxiety and a fear of failure. When students perceive their self-worth as tied to their academic performance, it can negatively affect their self-esteem and overall well-being. Recognizing the impact of these

pressures is the first step in addressing mental health concerns.

Creating a Supportive Environment

To foster a supportive environment, open communication between parents and students is essential. Parents should encourage their children to discuss their feelings and challenges openly. By creating a safe space for conversation, students may feel more comfortable expressing their concerns and seeking help when needed. It’s also vital for parents to be aware of the signs of mental health struggles, such as changes in behavior, withdrawal from activities, or declining academic performance. Early interventions can make a significant difference in a student’s mental health journey.

Resources and Strategies

Many schools offer resources to support students’ mental health, including counseling services, mental health workshops, and stress relief activities. Parents can play an active role in encouraging schools to prioritize these initiatives. Engaging with school administrators and advocating for mental health programs can lead to positive changes in the school environment. At home, establishing routines that promote balance is equally important. Setting aside time for relaxation, hobbies, and family activities fosters connection and joy. Encouraging students to

engage in activities they enjoy can provide an essential outlet for stress relief.

The Power of Mindfulness

Mindfulness practices can significantly enhance students’ ability to manage stress. Simple techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or spending time in nature can help students refocus and regain a sense of calm. These practices not only improve concentration but also promote a more positive mindset. Encouraging students to incorporate mindfulness into their daily routines can be a valuable tool for maintaining mental wellness.

Conclusion

Mental health is a vital aspect of the school experience. By fostering open communication, utilizing available resources, and promoting healthy habits, parents and students can create a supportive environment that prioritizes mental well-being. Together, they can transform the narrative around mental health in schools, ensuring that every student feels valued, supported, and ready to thrive. It’s crucial to recognize that prioritizing mental health is not just beneficial for individual students; it contributes to a healthier school community.