In the time of social media, having perspective about your truth is really important. This issue is really big, but let’s focus on one specific aspect – the use of a platform that can become an easy way to bully, distort, and spread ugliness exponentially. Rumors, gossip and the ‘telephone game’ are as old as humanity. Many people are keyboard warriors, because it’s easier to post anonymously, avoiding direct contact and immediate repercussions. We know anonymity created as a member of a crowd seems to embolden someone to add even more ugliness into the conversation. The depersonalization and jumping on the bandwagon with little chance of being held accountable seems to fuel the fire. We know that it can become so severe that kids have even moved schools, and the focus may shift, but the post remains as a reminder and reference. The truth is, the bully and their audience are seldom responsive to direct efforts to cease their behavior. Even “safe places” and “safe words” may send the wrong message – that the individual has no power to stop the behaviors of others. That isn’t necessarily true. Despite how it feels, what they can manage is how they chose to manage themselves in the situation.
First, it’s important to remember that rumors are just rumors and they fade when something more exciting comes along to get the attention of the crowd. The rumor starter tells a lot about themselves – generally that they are socially inappropriate, petty, and manipulative – and unfortunately, that person seldom is held accountable for their actions. We need to encourage our children to think about managing these individuals and situations and how not to take these words personally. The options available include getting off social media, choosing to disengage from the person, what it looks like to ignore it or the person themselves, calling the person out for their inappropriate behavior, or the famous “what is wrong with you?”. Help them by learning when directness is and is not an option, gaining insight into knowing where their boundary lies, and understanding that being targeted by inappropriate behavior is a sad but typical part of growing up.
Developmentally, kids are learning how to function in society and with other people. We are all behaving in ways that impact others. Deciding how to address conflicts may be uncomfortable, feel like more trouble, and may make things temporarily more difficult. But, when we help our kids learn that there are ways that they can get through this by being their own advocates, we help them learn that their personal power is within themselves. Bullies are cowards who need audiences. The words and actions taken by bullies are unacceptable behaviors and are not reflective of the target. Bullies look for people who will react to their inappropriate efforts. Encouraging kids to know when to talk about these issues and to develop a plan to address these situations may help a great deal. Kids generally prefer to avoid such conversations and inadvertently end up isolated and alone, feeling like it is the end of the world. It’s helpful to teach kids that seeking advice and support is not the same as tattling. If someone is behaving terribly to the point that there is the potential for bigger problems, then that person will have generated their own outcome – not the person who seeks support to stop the inappropriate behavior.
Another tool is to help kids understand the temporary nature of most things and the skills to get through these situations, which is often to disengage. One kid I know was wise and chose to stay out of the rumor mill involving him. When someone asked him if he knew what was being said about him, he responded, “Wow, I must be really interesting and important if there are whole discussions about me. Sounds like these knuckleheads have very little to do if their world involves talking about me.” In a similar situation, another kid responded, “but they are saying that I am xxxx”, which was a lie. I reminded the child that someone saying something doesn’t make it true. It’s best to give the person the stare, ask them what is wrong with them and shake your head. Once a bully realizes that you aren’t going to engage, they often move on. The kid stopped rewarding the rumors with the distress and upset that the bully wanted, the discussion died down quickly, and the bully moved on to another target despite the social media post remaining online. Unfortunately, many of the rules to make the world “safe” aren’t going to necessarily work all the time. What each of us has inside of us is the ability to manage and decide how we want to handle our side of targeted inappropriate attention. At times, it may mean going to an advocate who will go with you to the next authority figure to resolve the situation. Someone targeted and bullied isn’t powerless. The range of resolution or ending it may not always be optimal or possible. However, giving our children the message that they don’t have to stand by helplessly and take it, but they can learn to advocate for themselves and develop an important life coping skill. What used to be handled in the school yard is now online for many kids, and this environment is bigger than they understand or are prepared to effectively manage. Talk to your kids and open the path to help them develop skills to think through these situations and generate solutions.
