Couples Therapy

Where did the love go?

Clients often tell us, “The romance is gone from our relationship.”

…or, “We love each other… we just don’t like each other anymore.”

Unfortunately, you’re here because some part of your relationship is unsatisfying; or, worse yet, there is abuse, betrayal, or neglect.

As time passes, couples often find they have grown apart, leaving them feeling unsatisfied, without love, joy, or a feeling of connection.

Sometimes your partner has done something that has driven a wedge between you. It’s common for one or both people to feel like their voice is ignored, rejected, or opposed in these circumstances. Sadly, there are too many instances in which spouses are physically and/or mentally abused and feel like there’s no way out.

When serious decisions are made without discussion, or when you are told how things will be done leaves you feeling controlled and trapped. Over time, you may have even forgotten your own voice, feel-will, and independence.

Perspective is everything and simply means you’re each seeing the world through your own eyes. It’s here where the blame begins. You can’t control others; you can only control your own perceptions, actions, and reactions.

This is how fractures develop in the relationship…

It happens when there’s a perceived imbalance in contribution, treatment, or love. After all, everyone wants to feel valued, acknowledged, and loved. And when they don’t, it usually turns dysfunctional; and, sadly, the relationship is destroyed.

If you’re the one who works, cooks, cleans, cares for the children, or all the above – or if that’s just how it feels the – imbalance disrupts all the important relationships. The perception creates resentment and distrust that can lead to sabotage and destructive behavior.

As the relationship suffers and struggles, you may feel sadness and grief at the loss. After all, you had put so much work into it – it is the conduit for all your dreams and hopes for the future. The sense that the relationship is slipping away can cause you to feel anxious, depressed, fearful, and guilty.

It’s often said that relationships take hard work.

That may be the understatement of all time. Let’s face it: It’s natural to be concerned with ourselves, so keeping in step with another person is very difficult.

I was once told by a friend that they had never argued with their spouse whom they had been with for 28 years. In my opinion, if you have been with someone for a significant time, the idea that you’ve never argued is laughable. If I am right, then arguing and disagreement are normal; we just have to learn to fight fair.

It’s nearly impossible to coexist with another person over an extended period of time and in close proximity without having arguments. The freedom to disagree is an indication of the health of a relationship. You should have your own voice in the relationship, and so should your partner. There can be respectful disagreements – even heated and passionate ones.

The key is to fight fair – without personal insults or attacks… and with patience and a desire to listen as much as talk.